Putney Swope

Choosing a New Pope: Potential Selection Criteria

2005-04-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

Visiting the heartland of america has reminded me that living in my secular hovel in the pacific northwest I am often blind to the spiritual dilemmas confronting this world. Most notably is the task being undertaken by the vatican’s ‘College of Cardinals’ in selecting a new pope.

In 1996 Karol Wojtyła, aka Pope John Paul II wrote, 'I earnestly exhort the Cardinal electors not to allow themselves to be guided, in choosing the Pope, by friendship or aversion, or to be influenced by favor or personal relationships towards anyone, or to be constrained by the interference of persons in authority or by pressure groups, by the suggestions of the mass media, or by force, fear or the pursuit of popularity.' Instead, he wrote, the cardinals and all Catholics should pray for God's intervention, 'that he may enlighten the electors and make them so like-minded in their task that a speedy, harmonious and fruitful election may take place.'

The former Pope, who was known to seminarian buddies as ‘Pasty’ and ‘Holy Pops’ died 14 days ago in Rome. Ironically his reign as pope officially ended today, proving that even the church honors commitments to sick leave and vacation days. One would think however, that in 26 years as Holy Father, he would have accrued more time. I guess the Pope took a few too many trips to Montecarlo, if you know what I mean. Regardless, I believe what he was trying to say above was that the Cardinals, in selecting a new ‘Hat Guy’, should pick with their hearts and not their minds.’ I think we could all agree that in this day of intense media scrutiny this is completely unrealistic. Heck, look at George W. Bush's plummeting approval ratings. I would suggest that a more popular move on the part of the church would be to publish the selection criteria, say on a blog, and give the world some influence over the choice.

As a first step in this new Papal Democracy, I have proffered by own selection criteria that could influence any nomination.

Neck Strength

I think this is relatively self explanatory.

History of Moral Carelessness

Personally I always take comfort in getting advice from people with practical experience. As we lean from our mistakes, why not elect a pope with a history of pedophilia or racism. Heck, at least he would know who precisely to target in future marketing.

Ability to Admit Fault

Historically the church has been responsible for some unspeakable atrocities in the world. There was the failure to denounce the genocide of the Jews in the forties, the failure to crack down on pedophilia amongst its brethren and finally there was the unspeakable fashion crime of the nun’s habit. In all of this, the Catholic church, and its supreme leader, have been slow to admit fault (in the case of the habit just living in denial) and take corrective action.

A pope more willing to say, “Yup…we fucked up,” would be a more accessible role model for young Catholics and would hasten their commitment to the church.

Access to Rabbits

Come on folks, with a hat like that, why pass up the opportunity to play at big houses in Vegas and Atlantic City.

Love of Music

Many years ago, in reference to the ecumenical council in Rome, AKA Vatican II, the musician, comedian and mathematician Tom Lehrer suggested, among other things, that in order for the message of the church to succeed the church should introduce more commercialism into the vernacular and portions of the mass, to replace Latin, and to widen the range of music permissible in the liturgy. More directly he created an example of liturgical hymn done in popular song forms. He titled his ‘modest example’ The Vatican Rag.

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it's good to see ya,
Gettin' ecstatic an'
Sorta dramatic an'
Doin' the Vatican Rag!

Next installment, "Dark Horse Papal Candidates"

Phantom Guest at Stag Party...

2005-04-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

I feel as thought I have touched the super natural, or was it all of the intoxicants. Regardless, we now have proof that something very strange occurred on Lummi Island this weekend. Above, you will see a picture taken by a Zillionaire and a picture of P-Broc passed out in the background. None of that is remarkable, unless you notice the phantom in black that is positioned between me (orange sleeve) and comatose Paul. Boys...I believe we need to call in some experts.

Branson Focusing on Resisters

I find it rather interesting that as human beings we often tend to focus on why someone makes a bad choice when we frequently live by the adage 'Learn from your mistakes.' Let's apply this same line of thought to Branson, MO. (Enjoy!)

Shadow of the former...

2005-04-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

It became important about 30 minutes ago to explain what the experience of a prolonged hangover was like. I've technically been hung-over for going on 72 hours and frankly I don't see things changing in very near future. I feel weak and without energy. I'm having trouble even mustering the energy to write this post, but a warrior must push on.

So what is it like? I have a very bad taste in my mouth, keep on thinking I'm forgetting something, can't ever find either my keys or my cell phone, reruns of MASH turn my stomach, Teletubbies sound very soothing to me right now....

Why is our hero this messed up? That is one for the ages, but if you read in our circles you will know that the FuriousStag has only recently concluded and it is back to simply my virtual persona. The blood I once used to power my non-virtual persona, has been insidiously sucked from my lethargic corpus absentee...

...but as my Zillionaire friend points out, I gained five pounds. Fo Gigure...

Microserfdom...a state of mind...

2005-03-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

As my dear friend Joe pointed out to me a long time ago (so long ago he won't remember) the only thing we have to ourselves are our dreams. Actually he never said that to me, but I needed someone to which to attribute that comment and have always wanted to recognize Joe in 'that kinda way'. Anyway...about our dreams...well my dreams now officially belong to Bill Gates. As of Today - the 30th of March - 2005 - my dreams are wholly owned and licensed by the Microsoft Corp.

This afternoon I took a job with the largest software company in the world, who's business practices I've openly admonished, whose security I've frequently broken, whose operating system I've freely crashed and whose opening theme (upon start-up) brings me to nausea. To commemorate these new levels of hypocrisy, I've elected to start a blog.

If one of you even gives me the remotest shit for being a Web Developer and using Blogger.com to host my Blog, then you can all just...well...never mind. I am no longer a web developer...I am simply now a Readiness Product Manager within the SMSG Readiness Group at Microsoft. You gotta love obfuscation.

In a brief month I will be relocating from lovely Bellingham, WA to far more urban and exciting Seattle, WA. See illustration below:

So I encourage you to check back often as I will keep you up to date on most of the problems you will be experiencing with your computers as a result of shotty Microsoft testing. But more importantly, every time you start up your PC, and you hear the wonderful music, you will think of me.

Also of Interest PhilNick.com - Man Caught In Tractor Beam!

Putney Swope (The Truth and Soul Movie)

2005-03-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

I always wanted a band by the name of Putney Swope, but could never sway my band mates to agree on the name. Alas, in my quest to find the appropriate use for this fine name, I am found in blogdom...

For years, Putney Swope's been the only black executive at a major Madison Avenue advertising firm, and he's seen it all: the ins and outs of an industry that's unapologetically relegated people of color to the commercial margins. When a twist of fate lands him in the executive's chair, Swope's determined to make some significant changes. He starts by transforming a previously all-white board room into an all-black meeting of dashiki clad, afro-sporting brothers and sisters. But before long, Swope's ideas start to go stale, and his plan to shake things up does little more than invert Madison Avenue's hierarchical structure, and all hell breaks loose. PUTNEY SWOPE is a loose, free-wheeling satire on sixties corporate America from Robert Downey, Sr., master of underground film. (iFilm.com)